I am feeling a certain kind of way.
I can’t decide what my funk is right now. The house is a disaster area. Like it hasn’t been properly cleaned in months. Nico’s room looks like a tornado hit it. I don’t want to do any work. I want to create, but I have no space to create. I want to garden, but its winter. I want to cook, but I am trying to eat keto and keto is boring AF. I hate the music I have been listening to, but I don’t want to listen to other kinds of music. I really hate the books I have been reading. I want to go camping, but it’s winter. I want to watch baseball, but its winter. I want to pick berries and ride my bike, but again, winter.
Frankly, I have been struggling with this blog and the extent to which I am wasting time. If I don’t think about this particular space and think more broadly about how people do what I want this blog to be, then I would have to answer truthfully that people don’t do this anymore. Blogging. It is such a holdover from the 2000s. Like, what was a blog even? What a weird thing. To write your thoughts and ideas in a specific place with no limits… with the general expectation that people would read it and would comment on it and you could build a little community of people who read blogs like yours.
I also came across Mighty Networks, which made me feel even worse about wanting something big from this blog. There was an article or something I read on the site that was like, “Don’t start a blog in 2018” and I was like, “What if I started a blog in 2017?” Uh.
I agreed with so much of it. I just… I don’t know. I don’t see myself being an Instagram celebrity. I mean, I think you’re probably doing it wrong if you follow more people than you have followers. But, it feels self-indulgent to write a blog now- particularly when much of what I am interested in is doing stuff that is on my life list. I get hyped as shit to think about and do that. Work on SEO? And network? And make Twitter and Instagram friends? Ugh. God. No. Please.
And ultimately, what I bring to the table here, isn’t anything really ground breaking. It is not novel. And it definitely isn’t creative. Basically I am an aggregator of ideas: take Maggie Mason’s interest and efforts toward her life list. Add Tim Ferriss’s hacks for life (pay people to do shit that doesn’t help you do stuff you want to do. Also, say no.) Add that to my mom’s method of: don’t know how to do something? Figure it out, bitch!
What I want? I want a community like Go Mighty was (I don’t know if there is a relationship between Go Mighty and Mighty Networks. It is probably worth finding out).
I don’t know what is wrong with me right now. At work, I fluctuate between being like, “Holy shit, I worked 10 hours today. And could easily have worked another 10 without even noticing” and “Have I really been at work for only 2 hours? I feel like I have been there all day.” At home, I fluctuate between, “I have so much time to do things” to “Ugh, its 6pm, almost bed time. I can’t get anything done today.”
Maybe the problem isn’t me. Maybe someone is messing with my timeline. That could happen. Right?
When people in the past have asked me what kind of insane person I am to move from Florida to here, I have confided, conspiratorially, that the trick to surviving Chicago winter is to GTFO in February. February is definitely the time to leave. Because with a shot of some place warmer, some place greener, some place beachier, and sunnier, one can make it to summer here, which is when the fun starts.
Maybe it would be good to remember my own advice.